Chiaroscuro/Confessions

The past 2-3 weeks were hard to accomplish personal goals. From grocery shopping to medical care.

David was out of town the whole time. We had to dismiss our helper because she is too unaware to take professional feedback, too stubborn to learn, and too mean to cooperate. She still employed through the rest of her contract, but she’s now, living in RoboDorm III (the nice one for women only, that used to be my apartment with the gorgeous view and rooftop), and she just comes over to help get Zeno ready for school. She’s only partially successful with that, so it still falls to me to do everything (besides being home the bacon). My challenges as a mother are mainly because I’m a night owl. I can’t sleep at night. I get my 6-8 hours of sleep somewhere between 4am-noon. So, normally, david would take the morning shift with Zeno, and I take the rest. We are undecided if we will hire another helper. It’s nice when they are helpful, but not so much when they are spiteful. We haven’t had much luck, as our last one slammed Zeno's hand in the door of the French lift, and left him to bleed out in the apartment hallway. A neighbor found him and brought him to the E.R. Meanwhile, she packed her stuff and sneaked out of the country.
It’s a weird part of the culture here. Families hire helpers, and that frees up parents to have lives, go to school, work, whatever. It’s kinda nice, but it comes with a sacrifice. For me, I had to sacrifice my space and privacy to a hostile, resentful Scorpio.

Enough about that shit. She’s gone, praise Jesus.

Zeno returned from the states with bad jet-lag, and he would fall asleep at the dinner table, or on the couch, or wherever. One night I found him sleeping in a plate of spaghetti.
It rained ice water for about 5 straight days. That’s no incentive to leave the apartment. We’ve got a market downstairs, and they’ll let you borrow the trolley so you don’t have to use bags. Zeno was a little helpful with chores. Mostly he’d get angry with me and start yelling abusive words.

I haven’t seen Master Choi in over a week, and I haven’t seen my guqin master, Zhang Kheng Chong, aka K.C., in a month. I’ll see him tomorrow. He’s my favorite person.

Last week I started a 2 month class on a Shaolin based energy healing style called Yuen method. I’ve been seeing a Yuen healer here in town for a couple of months, and it is pretty mind-blowing stuff. My acupuncturist Peter recommended her to me. Now, Peter and I are taking the Yuen class together.

I’ve made a friend named Jane, who is a Yuen healer, too. She’s new to this stuff, so she’s always practicing on me. I don’t mind. She’s different from the other friendships I’ve tried to cultivate since living here. She actually calls me and invites me to jazz concerts and other fun stuff with her friends. I haven’t been able to go since I’d be leaving Zeno alone at home on a school night and I don't trust him to stop playing video games and put himself to bed. Now that David is home, I’m going to try harder to cultivate this friendship.
Other than that, I’ve got a pregnant girlfriend, Ruiting, who is about to give birth any minute now, and it will just get harder to hang out once the baby comes. There’s 3 OTO people (not counting David) that are consistent, but they are almost always out of town. The fellow I met on the train that is a musician and building his own guqin, turns out to be agoraphobic. So, that’s going nowhere. That’s too bad because I really like him, and we share a lot of interests. He’s really knowledgeable about Chinese mysticism, and that would’ve been lovely to learn more about this stuff through his association. However, all this is a good lesson in working with what the Universe has provided me with. If I’m honest with myself, what’s in front of me is perfect and wonderful, and definitely more than enough for me to find what I’m looking for within myself.

Ruiting’s husband Ben wants to take Mandarin lessons with me, but I’m hesitant to involve him in any area of serious discipline. He’s got a PhD (or 2) in mathematics, but he’s so laid back about everything, he’s never on time, doesn’t take anything seriously, he has 2 mouths and 1 ear. I have this deep fear that he will embarrass me in the eyes of the professor. So, I haven’t signed up yet. Ya know, I’m just going to write to the teacher and get signed up. Then all let her know I’ve got a friend interested. Maybe she’ll have me give him her phone number or something that I can do without teathering my learning experience to his whim.

There has been good news with my general anxiety issues. It’s not as bad lately. I’m finding my way around the city by myself now, and not scared of getting lost and whatever. I’ve found my way to all kinds of hard to get to places. It’s easy to love a place that has dragons everywhere. The more authentic Chinese a neighborhood is, the more comfortable I am walking around alone. The people never bother me, and if someone does talk to me, they are politely curious about the white girl in the Chinese medicine pharmacy dinking tea, kinda thing.

It’s been hard not having Audrey here. She’s been in LA for months. She’s also been depressed and anxious and hates it there. It’s the same shit that makes me not excited to go back to USA: walking down the street, minding your own business, when a car drives by, honks, and yells “hey, bitch!” They just don’t pull that shit here.
I got a call from the other woman staying at RoboDorm III, saying that Jewelyn packed up Audrey’s personal things into a box and put it in the corner. I’m going to have to go over there and take it all out and put it back where it goes. It’s Audrey's “goth” decor, skulls and “occult” looking accoutrement. Jewelyn is hiding it for the same reason she broke the phallus off my Pan idol. Religious intolerance. This situation is worse because it’s my nosy, meddlesome mother-in-law who has emboldened her to make the other roommates at RoboDorm feel unwelcome....just because she won’t let Jewelyn live with her either! She’s control freaking everyone’s lives. David won’t/can’t run interference with his mom, and I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s just too busy to bother with “women’s territorial politics”
It’s better to have Audrey here. She’s not only a fellow Texan-american woman, she also likes to get dolled up and go out dancing. I can’t get that anywhere. Maybe Jane, but she’s just so young and conservative. I’m keeping an open mind, but I really miss my girl.

Bajezus.

So, like, I’m seeing this old Chinese wizard about the choking feeling in my throat. It’s been going and getting worse since summer.
My psychiatrist says it’s called “globus hystericus”, a known and rare symptom of severe anxiety. He doses me with more and more Xanax, which does work, but I’m not happy about being drugged like that.

My acupuncturist tried and tried. He finally concluded I need to see the big guy, Choi sifu. His practice comes from Kung fu energy healing knowledge stuff. The people who hang around his clinic just to hang out with him (the ones who speak English) told me that he had to study Kung fu for many years before he could learn the tradition Chinese medicine style he uses. He’s the only guy in HK who knows this stuff. I had to wait months before a translator could take me.

Choi sifu is a character. He holds court in this Yau Ma Tei clinic in a dark alleyway. He wears his wife-beater and flip-flops, and he’s mean as hell. Peter says he’s hard on the outside but has a heart of gold. He see a hundred patients every day.

In my case, I have to go every day. The people say that’s not the normal treatment. They just come as needed, maybe go back 2-3 times. Something about the way the qi goes when he works the pressure points in a specific order, they can only be reset every 7 days (so I guess I’m off the hook after I’ve completed 7 days of treatment?

Everything he does is terrible and painful. I just have to get it over with every time I go in. He beats me up. He punches my shoulders, tried to dislocate my arms, puts his knee into my spine to pop my back, pops all of my fingers, then he goes in for the Vulcan neck pinch. He pinches the fool out of my neck, going back for the small lymph glands. It hurts like hell. Then he cracks my neck. Both ways.

I still feel like I’m being strangled, but I generally have more energy. Zeno said I was in a surprisingly good mood.

Every time I go in, I hear “guilow” this and “guilow” that. I asked a friend who takes me there what the deal with racial epithets was, and she excused it as “an old people thing”.

But wait! There’s more!
After being brutalised, I go down the street to a Chinese medicine shop and drink a tea that gets grosser every day.
The first day tasted like chocolate. I thought, “this is going to be great!”, but every day is a little more bitter. I can take the root tastes. Today it had a weird fishy-fungus under-taste. They make you drink it all the way down right away. Now I know what the candy is for.

There's a huge learning curve suddenly with LJ, or else there is something wrong with me.

Bah.

Happy Birthday to Aisha and to Lily Rogers!

[Error: unknown template qotd]
I do what the voices tell me.

Happy Bad-ass birthday, David "Pilar" Hill! Don't forget your hat and costume. Follow the sidewalk riddle. Win a prize.

Am I alone in thinking "red eye" is the most awesome aspect of photography? Why would anyone take it out?